Five times the SpockMcCoy wedding didn't happen
by Gul Bricett
Summary: They thought it was easy to get married, but many things can happen... Humor fic, written for the st kink meme.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Star Trek in any incarnation. Paramount does.

This story contains hand waves to "Banned from Argo" by Leslie Fish, and "Star Trekkin'", sung by The Firm.

**Author's Note:** Written to fill this prompt on the late, great **lj st kink meme**: "Spock/McCoy established relationship. Five times they tried to get married, but got their ceremony interrupted and one time it finally happened. I need McCoy/Spock comedy fluff!"

**Pairings:** S/B; previous S/U; implied K/U

**FIVE TIMES THE SPOCK/McCOY WEDDING DIDN'T HAPPEN – AND THE ONE TIME IT FINALLY DID**

This, Ladies and Gentlebeings, is a cautionary tale. For once upon a time there lived two good, highly intelligent persons who had found true love with each other, each completing the other in body, mind, and soul. Their names were Spock and Leonard McCoy, and soon after they realized they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together, they decided to get married. Foolishly, they thought themselves able to defy one of the fundamental Laws of the Universe: they were sure they could have a simple wedding without exhausting preparations and spiraling costs, without stress, fights, and complications. The Universe, of course, thought otherwise.

But at least they really, really tried:

**TRY #1 - San Francisco, Earth**

It seemed to be the most logical solution: to do the most important thing first by simply going to City Hall for a civil marriage in private. After that, they could make an official announcement (not that anybody who mattered didn't know they were a couple) and have a reception (or two, in Georgia and on New Vulcan, and maybe a party on the Enterprise, too), whenever they liked. But when they were asked to hand over the necessary documents, the following dialogue ensued:

"What do you mean; you can't do it without a birth certificate? Don't y'all watch the comm nets? His birth certificate was on Vulcan, dammit!"

"Please, calm yourself, Leonard.

I regret to inform you of the fact that I will not be able to produce a copy of the document in question within the next week. As our ship is due to leave Earth after that, we will have to register our union another time. However, I have to point out the fact that it is illogical not to accept my very presence as proof that I have indeed been born."

**TRY #2 - U.S.S. Enterprise**

It was an alternative they had discussed earlier, and they still tried to keep it simple: a few drinks with their closest friends the evening before, going off-shift an hour earlier, Scotty and Nurse Chapel as witnesses. The captain conducted the ceremony in his office, first giving a short, heartfelt speech, then asking:

"Do you, Leonard Horatio McCoy, take Spock, Son of Sarek, as your mate?"

"I do."

"And do you, Spock, Son of Sarek, take Leonard Horatio McCoy as your mate?"

"I do."

And Christine sniffed, and Scotty had to wipe his eyes.

But as Captain Kirk continued: "Then …" – the RED ALERT started to drone.

And from the comm speakers came Uhura's voice: "Bridge to Captain. There's Klingons on the starboard bow! Mr. Sulu, evasive maneuver Delta 3! Mr. Chekov, fire phasers!"

The Enterprise won the fight, but not without suffering casualties, First Officer Spock, heavily concussed, among them. So the would-be couple could at least see each other, because there were so many patients who needed constant monitoring that Dr. McCoy had to sleep in sickbay for a week.

**TRY #3 – New Vulcan**

To be fair, this wasn't their idea at all, it was T'Pring's, Spock's childhood fiancée's. Even if she, due to the fact that there were more men than women among the Vulcan survivors, had many suitors, and had severed the bond with Spock when he left for Starfleet, she had, after carefully considering all possible courses of action, come to the conclusion that marrying him would be the most lucrative. So she issued "koon-ut-kal-if-fee"; she challenged Leonard McCoy to a fight for Spock's hand.

It was a very traditional thing. The temple ground was of course new, but it already looked ancient. There was a gong, there were chimes and ancient weapons, and there was a ceremonial guard and a priestess in a sedan chair. T'Pring had chosen one of her Vulcan suitors as her champion, and Dr. McCoy, who hadn't been allowed to use a dose of tri-ox to counter the effects of the higher gravity of New Vulcan, went down in Round 1.

But before the priestess could declare T'Pring the winner, Lt. Uhura stepped in to save the day by challenging T'Pring herself. T'Pring, sure that her Vulcan strength would give her an edge over Starfleet hand-to-hand combat training, agreed. It was a proud day for Starfleet.

Unfortunately, Spock was now married to Uhura. Even more unfortunately, it turned out that they couldn't simply annul their marriage, as they had planned. Thanks to their previous relationship, there was a residual bond between them. It was reactivated by the ceremony, enabling them to feel each other's emotions to a certain degree. It could only be severed by a highly trained Vulcan adept, of which there weren't that many anymore. There was a waiting list, and this meant six weeks of forced isolation and chastity for both of them, which greatly annoyed Spock, Leonard, and Nyota. Plus Captain Kirk, of course, because Uhura and he… - but that is a story for another time.

**TRY #4 – U.S.S. Enterprise**

The Vulcan mess sorted out, Leonard and Spock tried once more to get married by Jim. This time, they had to use the mess hall, decorated with tasteful flower arrangements provided by Mr. Sulu. Finger food and champagne for 50 guests were prepared. Everybody wore dress uniform and waited for Captain Kirk to arrive – who inexplicably didn't.

When he finally did, he had to declare the ceremony postponed, because Starfleet bureaucracy had finally caught up with him. Complaints by the Argo authorities concerning several incidents during the crew's shore leave a year ago were under investigation, and as per Starfleet regulations, he was temporarily relieved of command until a verdict was reached. Commander Spock, now Acting Captain, could hardly marry himself.

This would not have been a big problem, because the whole brouhaha soon ended with the proverbial slap to the wrist: after the crew signed waivers, committing to never visiting Argo again uninvited, all charges were quietly dropped.

But there was fall-out: Spock, who hadn't beamed down to the planet, heard about some of Leonard's exploits there for the first time during the investigation. Which lead to a heated argument. Which lead to Spock and Leonard moving into separate quarters and not speaking to each other for three weeks. After that, Captain Kirk intervened, because transfer requests from the Medical and Science departments started to pile up, and three months later, they reconciled to everybody's relief.

**TRY #5 – Risa**

Now, a committee, comprised of Lieutenants Uhura, Chapel, and Gaila, took over, because, like Gaila said, "planning a wedding is too important an issue to leave it to men". Spock, who found this statement to be misandrist, was wise enough not to say this aloud, as the arrangement saved him work, and even helped to convince Leonard to part with a hefty chunk of their hard-earned credits. Those were needed, because a romantic wedding at a five star hotel on Risa isn't cheap. But this is compensated by the fact that everything you could wish for will be provided in perfect quality. And it would have worked, too, if not for the bachelor parties.

The committee had decided that there would be traditional stag and hen parties, with Spock meeting with their female, and Leonard with their male friends.

The ladies and Mr. Spock met in one of Risa's most fashionable cafés. They chatted, Gaila danced, Uhura sang, and Spock accompanied them on the Vulcan lute. And everybody partook of the café's famed all-you-can-eat buffet of pastries, ice creams, and desserts from all over the Galaxy. Spock found the Ktarian chocolate puffs to be especially delicious. They are, because they contain 17 different varieties of chocolate. After the first one, he started discussing calculus with Gaila, doing the equations in his head. After the second, he surprised the ladies by serenading them with "Maiden Wine", slightly out of tune. Nobody noticed him having the third – he just fell off his chair. Christine beamed immediately up to sick bay with him. The next morning, he was reasonably sober again, if still a bit woozy, and could have gone through with the wedding, if not for the outcome of the stag night.

The stag night was held at a pool bar, and started well enough. Leonard threw a round of Saurian brandy, Jim and Scotty followed suit, bad jokes were told, a troupe of Orion dancers – okay, strippers – performed, and a horga'hn or two were displayed. Then a seafood salad was served, which, by mistake, had Bolian fire crab meat in it, against which 90% of all humans are allergic. Emergency mass beam up had to start 30 minutes later. The last words Dr. McCoy uttered before he, too, lost consciousness were: "Worst bachelor party everlllph…"

At least they got a refund.

AND…

**SUCCESS! – U.S.S. Enterprise**

It was a matter of honor now, so the whole crew started working together towards a common goal: to get those two finally married. After two months of careful preparations and tweaking flight plans to allow for picking up provisions at certain star bases, everything was ready. The Enterprise had received the holovid Joanna McCoy had recorded for her Dad, and picked up Ambassador Sarek and an elderly uncle of Spock. The rec room had been transformed into a banquet hall. Scotty had reprogrammed some of the blank photon torpedoes normally used for target practice to produce spectacular fireworks.

Captain Kirk ordered to set course for an uninhabited, quiet star system, where the Enterprise, set on autopilot, was parked in orbit of a gas giant, so that the whole crew could attend the festivities.

All held their breath, until Captain Kirk could finally say:

"By the power vested in me by the United Federation of Planets, I now pronounce you legally married.

You may now kiss your partner."

As they did, everybody cheered; Lt. "Cupcake" Matthews the loudest, because he had won the sizable betting pool.

After that, they had a banquet with speeches and toasts, and then the party started for real.

It's a pity that nobody seems to remember exactly what happened.

Everybody knows that Dr. McCoy and the strange Vulcan uncle mixed something they called "Vulcan Island Punch". There was actually Vulcan spiced tea in it, as well as ice cubes, but nobody can recall the other ingredients, only that the drink was extremely tasty. And potent.

It's also known for a fact that, at a later hour, Spock gave a demonstration of an ancient Vulcan folk dance he had learnt in kindergarten. But did that actually end in him leading the conga line through Engineering?

Was there Chekov in a tutu? Were the Captain's pants really auctioned off? Were Gaila and Ambassador Sarek caught… no, THAT simply couldn't have happened.

However, there is one thing everybody agrees on: it was The Greatest Party of All Times.

And the newlyweds lived happily ever after.

**This fact-based story was brought to you courtesy of**

MUDD'S MARRIAGE MAGIC Ltd.

**Planning, organizing and catering weddings galaxy-wide since** **2163**

ALL SPECIES – ALL PLANETS

Honey moon trip arrangements! Starfleet personnel discounts! Betazoid-style weddings a specialty!


End file.
